cc: your soul // subject: we regret to inform you

I do not believe that I could ever be in a relationship unless I pretend to be someone else. I don’t like admitting that even to myself, but that is what I have long believed.

I have known many people to build relationships on lies. I have been told that being single is the worst possible outcome and to avoid it at all costs. I am single. I am unsure what that means about me. Lately, I’m wondering if it means anything at all.

I’ve been told that you have to secure a good man before age 30 because no one will be left after that. And, if you find anyone after that, he will be awful.

I’ve been told that I’m unloveable.

I’ve been told that I will annoy and bother any man with my terrible personality.

I’ve been told that I would only be chosen as a default by a man after all the pretty, thin girls rejected him.

I’ve been told that I’ll always be alone and that I deserve it because of my appearance.

I’ve been told that I’m am embarrassment because I could lose more weight and don’t.

To write that I have been rejected doesn’t quite do it justice. I have had my teeth kicked in before I could even apply myself to be rejected. Even rejection seems lofty because I’ve been told that I’m not even considered.

How do I recover from these lies? How do I manage today with these memories floating in my mind?

There might not be a lesson here. This is all very painful. Society is very tortured. Many of us are misunderstood and wounded.

How could a weight loss program ever address this sorrow? I don’t need a revenge body, I need a healed soul. Telling the truth as best I can is one way to start.