don’t be daft

I’m so utterly annoyed right now. It might be the global pandemic. It might be my anxious and depressive thoughts. It might be the constant body image triggers. I don’t know, but I need to learn better ways to help myself through this time.

My primary go-to mechanism is to blame myself for the conflicts around me. It feels awful, but awful has felt comfortable for a long time.

I want to have my own space where I do not have to walk through a minefield of triggers daily. It is so hard to work through my inner conflicts when the causes of those issues are surrounding me everyday.

I understand that physically running away from your problems will not solve them, but how can I blame anyone from trying? Staying in one place and working through it all is exhausting. I see why few people choose this option.

Denial and running away both seem like preferable options right about now. Unfortunately, I’m square in the middle of my issues and trudging through tons of mud. I don’t mean that in a gritty way. I mean that in a slow waddle through thick molasses-type mud that doesn’t pin you down but just slows you tremendously and make you desperately want a shower but there is no shower in such a muddy area so you give up on the idea of a shower and resolve to be covered in mud for virtually forever but you remember what showers are like which makes it difficult to not think about showers. You know. Sort of like that feeling?