exception to the rule
There isn’t a place for me in this world. I’m not a cog in the wheel nor a piece of the puzzle. I doubt anyone is though many contort themselves into a variety of shapes. I’m uninterested at this point.
There is no place for me in this world because this world has celebrated abusers for a long time. I would say too long, but a moment would be too long so that is a hard statement to qualify.
What hurts the most about the bullying that I experienced is that I was expected to take on the role of the abuser as an adult. The taunting, humiliation, and rejection I encountered wasn’t necessarily meant to hurt me as much as it was meant to train me. Be like us. We can protect you from this world if you are obedient. If you disobey, we throw you to the wolves.
If you dress too suggestively as a woman, then you are not believed when you are attacked and assaulted. If you dress too modestly as a woman, then you are not acknowledged when you speak. You have to strike a perfect balance, which, of course, has never existed. Our feminine heroes are ghosts.
Marilyn Monroe for beauty. A mostly self-made woman who had to rely on volatile men professionally and personally in order to build a career only to become more famous for the way she died than for the way she lived. Amelia Earhart for adventure. A daring woman who disappeared into thin air. Rosa Parks for justice. A bold woman who would shock the nation with her courage while profiteers would co-opt her name and likeness for their own agenda.
Hell, even Cleopatra, is now celebrated for her mostly fabricated love story. Apparently, you can be one of the most powerful world leaders in history and still be cast in the role of arm candy. Historians can be quite cruel.
I’m perhaps conflating too many ideas here by suggesting that the treatment of American women in the 20th Century has some sort of thread to Cleopatra in ancient Egypt. However, what these women have in common is that they continue to be celebrated in American media today. However, are they celebrated for who they were or how we can twist their likenesses into marketing?
A male hero is defined by complexity. A female hero is defined by a singular attribute or moment if not by proximity to a male hero. We do not want to see the ruggedness in women. We do not want to see the blood, sweat, and tears of a female body. The blood of a female body? Let’s pretend menstruation doesn’t exist. If we acknowledge it, it is because somebody is acting crazy. The sweat of a female body? Let’s belittle women for sweating in the first place by “studying” differences in strength through arbitrary dumbbell contests. The tears of a female body? Oh, we have no problem seeing that. We have a problem taking it seriously though.
We glamorize the firsts of women. First woman elected to this, first woman winning this prize, first woman climbing that corporate ladder. Yet, we fail time and time again to recognize that these women are meeting or exceeding man-made limitations. What is the significance of being the first woman to accomplish something that men designed to exclude women? We seem to take it for granted that this is so meaningful and important, but what is the meaning and importance? What is it that we are celebrating?
Very powerful abusers have been caught in their own lies about women. Instead of discrediting these abusers, we have instead allowed them to pivot. Instead of changing corporate structures that have historically oppressed women by relegating them to critical yet underpaid work, we have celebrated those same corporations for having one female board member or executive. It’s incredible because she’s a woman, reads the newspapers. However, that is only incredible because she works for a sexist corporation in a sexist country that supports sexist business practices.
Instead of condemning the ongoing sexism, we are encouraged to celebrate the exceptions. This woman rose to the top of a profession despite all of the men (and many women) who told her she was a worthless subhuman. And, now, we reward her with an executive suite. How amazing! Yet, we don’t pause to question why a woman would need to be subjected to treatment like that for decades in order to hold a job. We don’t pause to question the intelligence or competence of the superiors and colleagues who belittled a person they would eventually promote. We don’t offer any sympathy to the women (and possibly men) who opted out of that exact company for all of the sexist behavior.
Are women who rise to the top of a sexist environment defiant of sexism or imbued with it? After all, how can you rise to the top of a profession without excelling within it? The answer to sexism in corporate American cannot possibly be more female CEOs without equal pay, livable wages, childcare options, independent human resources departments, enforced sexual harassment policies, accessible healthcare, and anti-nepotism hiring.
Yet, we glorify these exceptions because it shows us that it is possible to excel in a sexist world. We put pressure on ourselves and others to be that exception. But, we hold half of the population. Why are we fighting to be an exception? We can overtake the status quo instead of being subjected to it. I do not need to be on par with any man to be great. The world refuses to see this, but that will not stop me from realizing it. I hope it doesn’t stop you either.
Don’t be an exception to the rules. Rewrite the rules. And, when you do, remember those that suffered.
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