insecure people

I’m watching a trashy reality television show right now because it helps me feel better about trying and failing at writing this blog.

I look forward to this show in particular because it shows how dysfunctional long-distance relationships are. The subjects start out the season so excited to talk about their fairytale romances. Of course, in classic reality television fashion, it all falls apart. That’s when the vultures circle around the dashed dreams of the participants.

I justify it because you have to be a narcissist to some degree to put yourself on a show like that, right? They like the attention no matter what, right?

Sometimes, I’m not sure. I find myself reading into why I watch this show week after week. I’m smug and tense at the beginning of the season when I worry if any of them are perhaps a lone golden couple who slipped through the cracks of the greedy television producers to find their way to some rare moment of true love, projected to a world of lonely viewers to watch longingly and resentfully. Luckily, we are now in the comfortable stages where dysfunction has emerged.

I don’t have to read into all of this, but I keep going back to it. Truthfully, I don’t think that I could ever fall in love. I don’t think that anyone could ever fall in love with me. I imagine it, but I don’t ever believe it.

I feel like I just punched myself in the gut right now, so I’ll have to stop and let my nerves settle.