subpar

I don’t understand why I feel so much pressure to have no problems. Problems abound everywhere. Yet, we’re supposed to constantly problem solve and overcome? But, sometimes let it be. What kind of shoddy life guidance is this? I’m so over messages about life sometimes.

I feel like I need to change the world. Trust me, it sounds as bonkers to you as it does to me, Wishbone. The idea of addressing all the icky parts of society gives me a reason to wake up each day, but it is those same icky parts that make me stay hidden once I’m awake. Can you relate at all?

I’m so confused about what I’m supposed to be doing at any given minute. I feel like I do not have any of the makings of an adult, except for a driver’s license. I do not know what is so great about people. People seem pretty awful to me. There is so much pettiness about who said what and who went where. I don’t understand why so much of conversation revolves about random things other people said and random places other people went. It makes my head spin sometimes when I think about how much time is spent on discussing the random habits of random people.

That is part of the reason that I’m disillusioned with celebrity culture and even the news in general. It’s not that I don’t believe it. It’s that I don’t see why I have to care anymore. So, this politician - who represents a state that I don’t live in - said this offensive thing. What am I supposed to do about that? Write an angry tweet? Bang my fist on the table? Now, this actor - from a movie I didn’t watch - is an alcoholic who cheated on his wife multiple times. And, I need an entire exposé about it? What should I do with all of this useless information?

I’m struggling with problems and with the idea that I have problems at all. I’m confused about why I would resolve those problems when more will appear. If I don’t address my current problems, will new ones appear anyway and compound my existing problems? Is that why I should address it? Why can’t I just ignore everything? How do I know what I can ignore and can’t ignore?

I’m also confused about why there are so many products advertised to me. It is exhausting. Then, there are lifestyle choices advertised to me at every extreme: minimalism to yacht living; veganism to all fried food diets; living in the woods to only communicating through a screen. People seem excited by all of these choices. I just feel overwhelmed by it. I feel consistently unsatisfied by my appearance, my personality, relationships, career, goals, to do list, etc. I don’t ever feel adequate. I don’t know if anyone does. I don’t know if anyone ever has.

I want to be enough for someone. I don’t think I’ll ever be enough for myself. I don’t think this world will ever be enough for me. I live a small, scared life. I tried living bigger and I got burned. Now, I’m scared. And, I keep hoping that someone will tell me the exact right thing to do and I’ll feel so happy and never be sad again. But, that doesn’t make much sense. I’m responsible for making the decisions. I’m the one who is going to learn to trust herself. It sounds nice, but feels absolutely awful. So awful that I can’t stand it. It sounds like freedom and sounds like a burden at the same time. I’m lost. I want to be found, but I don’t want to go looking for anyone.