when you get bullied for liking Titanic

I fell asleep today before 6 p.m. I was so drowsy and tired. I want to write something creative, but I’m terrified. I’m scared that everything I write is either annoyingly boring or plain bizarre. None of that is accurate anymore because I hardly write a word. It is hard to even write here.

When I took a screenwriting class in college, it was so hard for me to even sign up. I looked forward to every class and every class was a disappointment. In the first class, we were supposed to name our favorite movies, like a top 5 list. We went around the room and I hardly recognized any of the titles that others were saying. It wasn’t even a matter of not having watched the movies in question; I had never even heard of them before. I panicked because Titanic was on the top of my list, so you can imagine the types of movies I named. I decided that it wasn’t a big deal and I could just read my list as is. If others found me basic, then that’s their opinion, right? Well, I remember one guy muffling his laughter with his hand as I finished reading my list. The teacher had a dumb smirk on his face too. Apparently, it was hilarious that I liked popular movies like Titanic?

Now, I understand that academic study of an art is different from entertainment criticism; and, both are distinct from commercial viability. Of course, these elements could converge where a piece of art is deemed a commercial and critical success that is studied by academics, but typically, art succeeds in one category if it succeeds at all.

I also understand that I have mainstream references and taste. At the same time, what is so amusing about liking a very popular film? How is that so funny? I’m definitely not the first person they came into contact with who liked popular mainstream movies.

I didn’t think it was funny that they liked fringe art-house movies, so why can’t I be entitled to enjoying blockbusters? Anyway, the class went on that way. I will concede that I was emotionally uncomfortable in that setting and may have projected an insecure persona. At the same time, you can imagine it was not quite welcoming if liking one of the most commercially successful movies makes you a target for muffled laughter and dumb smirks, even by the teacher.

Perhaps, you - nonexistent reader - think I’m petty and that it is all in my head. Well, I had accused myself of the same exact thing. I told myself that no one signed up for this class to make fun of me. Yet, the semester was rough for me nonetheless. Every class, a few people had to read their work aloud by selecting classmates to read their workshop writing so that we could all listen to the dialogue through different voices. I was never picked to read unless literally every role was “cast” and that was only ever to read stage directions. Even the teacher was picked before me! You read that correctly. My classmates would rather have the teacher read the lines than me. Mind you, there were probably eight to ten of us in the class. So, it wasn’t even a matter of the class being so large that you couldn’t keep track of who read what.

The one time I remember being asked to read the stage directions was by the guy who tried to hide his laughter from the first class. He had confidently cast a whole ensemble on the spot, stating who should read what lines. Then, he glanced at me and mumbled: “Um, do you want to read the stage directions?” He didn’t even seem to recall my name even though I had never missed a class. Yet, he knew everyone else’s name!

We all use some form of the expression: the 800-pound gorilla in the room. But, what happens when you come to symbolize the proverbial gorilla? It was like I had become awkwardness personified. And, I had gone into the class feeling terrified of writing and hoping to at least address my fears. Instead, that class dumped a truck load of new fears I didn’t even know I could have onto me.

There’s more to say about this, but I need to step away for today.

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