color me disappointed

I agreed to a simple plan on Friday: spend some time outside this weekend to prevent depressive thoughts. Simple enough, right? My tentative idea was to go to the park. I could even drive to the park. What did I do? Well, I hardly left the house.

It is now Monday morning and the depressive thoughts have been surrounding me. Is that any surprise? It is like clockwork.

Why is it so hard for my to go to a damn park for 20 minutes? Why does that feel insurmountable? I have an endless list of reasons: I’ll be too warm or too cold, I’ll have to use the bathroom and won’t be able to, I will feel lonely, it might be too crowded for my taste, I might become hungry, my shoes might become uncomfortable, I might be bored or overwhelmed - you get the point. I can’t even address the individual concerns because my anxiety then just flips to the opposite concern. It is hot today. Maybe it will cool off. Or, maybe it will rain and I won’t have an umbrella because it is hot right now?!

The pattern is right there and it bugs the hell out of me, but I feel hopeless to stop it or change it. I don’t really believe anyone can change this pattern as I have never seen anyone do it. Hypothetically, it makes sense that one could, but I don’t believe I’m that person even if it is possible. I feel so tempted to tear myself apart for this past weekend. Maybe, it can be something I learn about myself, but I’m upset and angry because I fear that this type of behavior is laziness, not depression, and that it makes me unloveable.

That’s all I can handle writing right now because now I’m crying and hurt by all of this.

x