perhaps, perhaps not

Now, maybe, I’ve been looking at this all backwards. I have been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to fit in amongst other people and now feel confronted with the startling possibility that my fear of being different might be the precise glue that links me to all these other people who seem so distant.

My ego has been damaged, the shards swept under the carpet. I’m looking to a crowd of lost souls, mumbling questions into their ears. What do you want from me? How can I make myself better? Will you love me? Will you help me?

I keep forgetting that the ones quickest to give quick fixes are the con artists among us. Simple answers make for complicated errors.

My best option might be to listen to the voice in my own head. Between you and me, she can be a real nuisance. She is biased and quite sad. I feel sorry for her most of the time and frustrated with her when I’m tired of feeling sorry for her. However, I fear that she might be my best chance. She can be quite resourceful and patient and kind or so I’ve heard.

There are patterns playing out here, again and again. I am mistreated, made to feel bad about myself, and I subsequently apologize those who mistreated me in the first place because I believe that they treated me according to fatal character flaws that I have been born with. This is the same story playing out every day of my life and it is a real downer.