driving miss delusional
You know how you can repeat something a million times and one day realize some detail that is so obvious all of a sudden that it is practically smacking you in the face and you can’t believe it was there all along? For a long time, I was so puzzled by the Disney logo because I thought that the D looked like a Q. I wondered why a company as large as Qisney couldn’t correct a simple typo. It wasn’t until years later that I realized it was just a sloppily written D. Of course, it always said Disney. Why would it say Qisney? Duh.
Yet, when I happen to see their logo somewhere or another, I immediately notice that Q for a split second until I remind myself that I’ve been through this before.
“Maybe, I should go to therapy too. It’s like a spa appointment.” This is what someone said recently about my choice to go to the spa. Kidding, obviously. I know that this person doesn’t believe in therapy as she has made that abundantly clear. I also know that she is disappointed in me as she has been consistent about communicating that message directly to me.
Her voice has been one of the driving forces of my self-hatred. Her rejection of me morphed into my rejection of myself. Her dismissal of my feelings blossomed into my hopelessness surrounding my depressive thoughts. Blossomed is too flowery, right? It’s not technically a good choice of words, but even weeds blossom, so I rule in favor of keeping it.
Does she fear therapy because she knows that sometimes she is the topic for discussion?
Does she fear therapy because she might have to find a new person to criticize if I change?
Does she fear that I will leave her behind?
I’m merely speculating. I have no idea. I have heard a thousand times that comments like the spa day one are projections of another’s insecurity. I have trouble believing that though as I still take it very personally.
Maybe, that’s the Q of the situation. Believing that her opinion of me is simply seeing Qisney as the logo. It’s not really there (or at least, it’s not meant to be there), but I can’t unsee it until one day it will just smack me in the face. And, then, it will all make a lot more sense; although, every once in a while, that Q will appear again even if for just a moment.