in fondo in fondo

I’m in it. Let me just tell you: I’m in it. I am trying this crazy thing out where I do not set clear goals and I exist. It feels ridiculous and I have to remind myself about every 20 minutes that I do not need a goal this minute.

I walked for about two miles today. I used to walk so much further every day. Before last July, I probably walked at least five miles a day on average. Walking helped me clear my head. Now, walking the two miles feels difficult. There have been many weeks during this pandemic where I did not leave the house, except to drive in my car. I suppose it makes sense that my world has felt smaller and smaller during the same time.

It’s interesting that I hardly actually write about the pandemic here. I think about it all the time, but I only vaguely reference it. I actually lost a close relative to the pandemic and it has made this year even more difficult and awful. The strange thing is that I hear about the pandemic so often that I almost feel like talking or writing about it adds unnecessary noise to a chaotic situation. That seems awfully critical though. The pandemic has directly impacted my life after all.

The pandemic has been difficult. Entering into the pandemic was particularly surreal to me because I was in the process of lifting myself out of several months of depression. I was actually making tangible progress and my mood was improving. When the news starting circulating in February that we would be at risk, I immediately panicked. Then, I told myself that I would take things day by day instead of throwing myself back into my depression. I kept going about my self-care activities with the added caution of washing my hands. Then, of course, the news became more serious. The outrageous headlines teasing about the end of the world turned into health officials pleading for caution. What was most surreal for me was that I had felt like the world was ending due to my depression and, then, suddenly, the world felt like the world was ending.